Saturday, August 12, 2006

How to Change a Very Poopy Baby

Here's a tip for you fathers out there, based on true-to-life experience: How to change a very poopy baby when you only have ONE wipe.

First. Preparation is everything. Make sure that your wife isn't home. This saves a lot of time as you won't be tempted to shout questions like, "Honey? Did you know we're out of baby wipes?" This is a stupid question, anyway, and will only serve to make you look like one of those totally incompetent TV dads.

Also crucial, know what you are getting into. It is always important to have some idea what's inside the diaper BEFORE you open it. In my case, it was the smell that eventually drew my attention away from the computer. Usually this is not an easy feat. Lucky, the baby was quite pungent.

Upon getting the baby onto the changing table, count the wipes (one) and then check the baby's clothes and back. This will let you know if the baby has, you know, "exploded." Now, a lot of dads will tell you that the only thing you can do with an exploded baby is give her a thorough swirl in the toilet. I disagree. The tub works just as well. Anyway, for the purposes of this tutorial, let's say that it's "bad" but not "real bad" and move on.

Next, give the baby something to play with other than what's in her diaper. Remember, preparation is everything and a handy doodad or geegaw can be a real lifesaver, especially with "the girl with the curious hands". "Oo, look sweetie! A rattle!" Of course, it doesn't have to BE a rattle. "Oo, look sweetie! A jar of Vaseline!" works just as well. Remember, if the kid isn't smart enough to use the toilet yet, she's probably still impressed with common, nearby objects.

Now, with one hand on the baby -- wouldn't want her to fall off the changing table (again) -- search frantically for where Mommy keeps the extra wipes. Make note of where you find the hairclips for the next time you can't find those.

No luck? Of course not. The next step is to forage around the house WITH the baby. (Remember: baby + falling off the changing table = bad.) Luckily you are an expert at contingency planning so you didn't open the diaper all the way. If you had... Well, it would be unpleasant. Speaking of which, try not to put the full weight of the baby on her diaper whilst carrying her around. (See "explosions," above).

Note: You will not find wipes during your frantic scan of the house. Don't bother, they aren't there. I checked already. What you are looking for is baby wipe stand-ins. Something that will work almost as well. Something like... toilet paper! Genius! Hey, it works on you pretty well, right?

Okay, swipe the roll from the bathroom. You can replace it later. And if you forget, screw it. You don't use the stuff much more than once a day anyway, right? Besides, it's a vengeance thing: Let's see how the rest of this household deals with being under-equipped in crucial situations.

Now you are ready to go back to the changing table. One last very important tip: Save the wipe for last! You only have one, and you've got to make it count.

Success! Dude, you rock. Give yourself a pat on the back -- after you wash your hands, of course.

That's all for this week, guys. Be sure to tune in next time when we'll cover "Household accidents: how to make it look like the pet did it."


Ben's wife...Ha! said...

As most moms will tell you, you aren't really out until you've used every last wipe--Check the diaper bag (duh!), then the beach stuff,... then last year's beach stuff, and finally, ...the car. (Yes, wipes remove grease better than ANYTHING!)

When you've exhausted all that, then, yes, you are truly out of wipes.

Honey, could you pick up wipes and toilet paper while you take the kids out to the park? SMOOCH!

Ben Ide said...

Yes, dear. [grumble grumble]

Me, Myself and I said...

That made me laugh out loud. thanks, I needed that!
anyway, you think it's bad when you're the dad; let me tell you, it's much worse when you're the babysitting auntie, and you don't know where the diaper bag or beach bag are kept, and mom and dad took the car w/ them. Especially when the kid gets old enough to critique you while you're trying to figure out what to do (that's not how mommy does it) and reports everything back to mom and dad when they get home.

Ben Ide said...

And Mommy and Daddy *never* believe you when your rebuttal is "That kid's a gall-dang liar!"

[sigh] I feel your pain.