Bored at Harassment Training

Last week, as required by Connecticut law, I sat through two hours of harassment training. Yawn. It's not that the presenter was boring, he being a lawyer with years of experience in this area and lots of juicy stories to go with. It's just that I've been through all this before. I used to work in the People's Republic of Cambridge, Mass. for Zod's sake.

So, following the habits developed in college, I amused myself by tacking superfluous notes onto the overview provided:

WHAT CONDUCT CAN CONTRIBUTE TO A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT?

1. Sexually explicit graffiti, posters or calendars
2. Extremely vulgar and offensive sexually-related epithets
3. Abusive language, posting drawings of sexually explicit behavior and indecent exposure by co-workers (duh)
   
4. Requirement of a lewd or revealing uniform
5. Staging military exercises on the border of a coworker's cubicle
   

EFFECTS OF A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT

1. Stress, for the victim as well as the workplace generally
2. Loss of productivity, by the victim and the workplace generally
3. Turnover within the workforce
4. Employee complaints
5. Global warming

THE COMPANY'S LIABILITY FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT

1. Harassee subject to tangible employment action
2. Harassee required to bring snacks on Fridays

TANGIBLE EMPLOYMENT ACTION INCLUDES

1. Discharge (ew)
2. Demotion
3. Docked pay
4. Undesirable reassignment
5. Forced to refill photocopier toner

THE SUPERVISOR'S PERSONAL LIABILITY FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT

1. Civil assault and battery but not uncivil assault and battery
2. Intentional infliction of emotional distress but not tensional fiction of notional stress
3. Wrongful discharge via stun-gun or rifle
4. Joint and several liability
5. Criminal liability
6. Care and cleaning liables

...And it went on from there.

Oh, and the next time you have to lead a training session that includes audience participation, start them off with this question:

"How many people here would raise your hands if I asked you to? Show of hands?"