Emailed Questions Answered

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
An insane supporting character in “Treasure Island”.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
The last time I poked my eye while cutting up hot peppers.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes. It looks just like I wrote it!

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT
Rude people.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Why, do you want some?

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes, but we’d never remember to call each other. (And what other person would I be? Can I pick?)

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Yeah, right.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
Yes, they are in a safe deposit box. (I can’t remember where, though.)

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
How boring. People actually pay money for this?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Cold pizza.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I have a man who comes in to do that for me.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Super humanly.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Whatever is in my bowl at the moment, though I am partial to Cherry Garcia.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
That there are way too many of them.

15. RED OR PINK?
Blue. (Oh, alright… Red.)

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My least favorite thing or everyone else’s? Because there’s a difference. A big difference.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
No one. I have excellent aim.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Define “everyone”.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Pants?

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A census taker.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The voices in my head.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Flesh.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Napalm in the morning. (It smells like victory.)

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Don’t know, I dialed randomly. (She was ticked, though.)

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
See above.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
High driving and Greco-Roman waffling.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Yes.

28. EYE COLOR?
No.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
See above.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Too many to name, too few to mention.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movies with happy endings. (Much better than happy movies with scary endings – they make me pee a little.)

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
“Your Body And You” in 8th grade hygiene class. Riveting.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Plaid. Wait, is plaid a color?

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Larry or Shelly?

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Depends on where they land.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Sahara.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
To what? Gentle guidance or a severe beating?

38. EAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
Elvis (if he truly is dead).

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Uh, hello! I’m answering this email right now, not reading. Sheesh!

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Droppings.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T. V. LAST NIGHT?
Videotapes of my neighbor, sleeping.

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Ka-Ching!

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Rolling stoned Beatles. (Giggle, giggle, thud!)

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Now. See below.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
You tell me.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a distant time, in a galaxy far, far away.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
The IRS.